careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
