cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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