I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
