Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
