I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
