Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
