So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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