How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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