and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
