Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
