Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
