Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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