I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
