Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
