So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
