Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize