Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
