I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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