I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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