I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
When are your genitals available?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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