Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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