I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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