And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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