We won't sleep together?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
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