I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
