Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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