she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
