If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
