So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
