My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
