My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
