I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
