True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
If I die, sorry about rent.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
