god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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