I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
