Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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