I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
