please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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