Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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