I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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