all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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