I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
