Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
