I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
