Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
