i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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