there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
