here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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