tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
