i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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