can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
