saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I didn't notice because vodka
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
the liver wants what the liver wants
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
