i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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