atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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