Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
