Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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