Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
