my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
