I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
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